The kids have been out of school since March 13th, when March Break started. I've been struggling with my feelings daily, I'm not going to lie.
On the extreme plus side, my kids are home safe and healthy with me everyday! I do not take that fore granted, ever. I thank God in my prayers every night for this and my entire family being safe and healthy.
However , those who are isolated at home with kids, more so than others will understand that each day holds a mixed bag of emotions and exhaustions.
I have tried to keep myself and my kids on a wake up routine which would be on par with a school day. I'll be honest, that is the extent of consistency in this house right now!
The teachers have been great and have added school work to Google classroom and other sites, so many sites! and while this is all fantastic, if you live in the country and have limited internet access and stability as it is, not so fun!
I have been able to continue doing some work, however in doing so it also means that there are now 3 of us fighting over the internet connection. And on the days that I call dips (income trumps a fractions work sheet), there is a struggle to get my attention to entertain them.
It is quite literally taking me hours to do what would typically take me 1 hour. With everyone at their homes using local internet, it is greatly slowing down the process. So in the end, most days were ending up in a royal battle and screaming match (keeping it real) fighting for the internet which provides work and entertainment, fighting for my attention, fighting over the house not being clean and organized, fighting about being bored..... and in the end, last week I just did not have it in me to spend one more day feeling like I barely made it through and feeling like shit about us all yelling through the day. I just said fuck it, and declared that if I could just get one day of uninterrupted time to get one project done in it's entirety, and if I could be allowed to just be fully present in that one task, I would then commit the rest of the week to be fully present with the kids. It was not each of the tasks separately that was draining me, it was the fact that I felt like I was in every single task at each moment of the day, all day long! (my work, my volunteer work, both of my daughters school work, my own classes I teach, home cleaner, gardener, cook, organizer, laundry...….) and not one thing done well or completely!
I had the best week yet! We created a new garden in our new back yard. We had lots of moving around and lots of outside time, we were and felt productive and accomplished.
I have been so stretched trying to be all to so many in 'every' minute of 'every' day, that it has completely exhausted me.
I have learned over the past decade of my life how important it is to be present. Yet I feel like I am really only just truly understanding the impact of not being fully present. I have come to learn exactly how exhausting and destructive it is to not be fully present and how much it sucks the life and energy out of you to try being in too many places at once. It destroys joy, calm, authenticity and productivity, and yet somehow we convince ourselves that by being a great multitasker we are having it all.
Only in the moments of committing to be present in one place/mind, have I found joy, not just in myself but in those around me as well. There is no struggle for dominant energy when there is clarity in the Universe that surrounds you..... the energy that says - I am here right now.
I have am getting better at letting go of the fine details, like whether there are a few out of place dishes sitting on the desk that got left there from yesterdays evening shift on the computer. And because I was clear in setting my intention about having a fully productive work day, my oldest daughter is entertaining herself by making homemade burgers for dinner, while my youngest is having a lazy get moving kind of day. This is me, letting it go!
If each of us can be fully present with what we are doing, then tomorrow we can be fully present with school assignments for an hour, then have fun together!
Wishing you all sanity and flexibility as you navigate your way through your new normal. And don't forget to be fully present in each moment. If you step back and assess the moments that have gone poorly, the common factor is likely that you were trying to do too many things at once.
Think about your energy like an egg. When it is all contained and focused in one place it is in tact and whole. But under too much pressure, it will break and become fragments of itself.
Stay well and healthy (mind, body, and soul)
Jenn
